Courtship? Dating?

What do I think of all this as a parent of both boys and girls? Well, at the heart of it I think it’s all about relationship- and not of that between the boy and the girl but between the child and their parents. At the base core of my desires for my children when they are looking at forming a serious relationship, is that I want my child to be able to come to my husband and me when they start to ‘develop’ feelings for someone special, and that they will also listen to any advice/cautions we give.

I don’t know if I believe in ‘courtship’, as no-one has been able to definitively outline it for me and I can’t find a prescription for it in scripture. However, I do believe in the sovereignty of God, the authority of parents, and the power of emotions.

Now before anyone goes, “But, but, but…!”, please hear me out.

I think some ‘courtship’ as prescribed and followed by some families is legalistic and controlling, and some is not. Some families operate a system so organically it would not be called ‘courtship’ but its end result is basically the same. It operates though, as a function of their family identity. I know couples who have had an arranged marriage (yes, in New Zealand), and couples who married without parental input, except for the obligatory ‘asking for her hand in marriage’ when the engagement was pretty much a done-deal. I also know of couples who have followed a much more prescribed journey from friendship, through pre-engagement (courtship) and then marriage. They all have gorgeous marriages.

I also know of couples at every point on the spectrum in between the three outlined above.

Why do parents buy into courtship so dogmatically? Is it they are worried that someone will take advantage of their daughter’s innocence and ‘de-flower’ her?

Is it fear of our children making a poor choice in life partner and then rueing the day they were married? Is it because their own marriage is not what it could have been because of their own pre-marital journey? At the base of all these ‘worries’ is fear. Nothing ever done out of fear is going to bring good, lasting fruit.

I don’t think we can control who our children fall in love with, because emotions are fickle creatures, but we can be training, guiding, and counselling them years before we even have to worry about them finding a life partner. If we point them to the infallibility of God’s Word, instruct them on what it says regarding marriage partners (just read Proverbs!), and live our marriage out in front of them, we have already sown the seeds of wisdom. If we warn our teenagers of the power of their emotions to overrule their brains, then we arm them with strategies to guard their hearts during this potentially turbulent time.

Something else about what I see happening in some families that are proponents of courtship, is that adult children are stripped of their majority as adults. Do we really believe that our daughters should stay at home until their late 20’s, early 30’s just waiting? Will they blithely continue obeying us in all our directives concerning their relationships? Should they?

I know some families have different convictions regarding this, and that is between them and God, and some children (sons and daughters) want to stay at home until they leave to be married, and again, that is between them and God. However, it could be a wasted opportunity to be able to use their youth to actively serve God, learn skills, get training or uncover a vocation. What if one of our children never marries? They will need to be able to support themselves and earn a living at some stage.

Do we somehow fear our children’s independence from us? The loss of help in the home? Them being under someone else’s control? Again, I don’t know. This issue, like any about parenting and how we choose to raise our children, hits at the very core of who we are as parents and always ends up pitting one party against another.

What is my point?

I think the only ‘safe’ route to selecting a life partner is a 3-stranded cord of parents, children, and God. If we as parents are keeping our relationship real and open with our children and God, we will trust His leading and our children will listen to our advice. If our children keep their relationship with us and God real and open then they will come to us and God and follow His leading and listen to our advice. God is….well, God. He is always there leading and guiding if we will but hear/see and follow.

All of our relationships are governed by a different operating dynamic. Some children are working (in the home or out) and still living at home; some children are away from home studying, or have left home and are completely independent. None of our families are the same, or work the same. I think we need lashings of empathy and charity to be able to let each family do ‘it’ their own way. It is when things ‘have’ to be done a certain way that dogma and legalism can override Biblical instruction and principle. We, as parents, are the ones responsible before God to divine that truth and apply it correctly to our own families.

May we all be attentive to what He is saying to us for our nearest and dearest.