What do I think of all
this as a parent of both boys and girls? Well, at the heart of it I think it’s
all about relationship- and not of that between the boy and the girl but
between the child and their parents. At the base core of my desires for my
children when they are looking at forming a serious relationship, is that I
want my child to be able to come to my husband and me when they start to
‘develop’ feelings for someone special, and that they will also listen to any
advice/cautions we give.
I don’t know if I
believe in ‘courtship’, as no-one has been able to definitively outline it for
me and I can’t find a prescription for it in scripture. However, I do believe
in the sovereignty of God, the authority of parents, and the power of emotions.
Now before anyone
goes, “But, but, but…!”, please hear me out.
I think some
‘courtship’ as prescribed and followed by some families is legalistic and
controlling, and some is not. Some families operate a system so organically it
would not be called ‘courtship’ but its end result is basically the same. It
operates though, as a function of their family identity. I know couples who
have had an arranged marriage (yes, in New Zealand), and couples who married
without parental input, except for the obligatory ‘asking for her hand in
marriage’ when the engagement was pretty much a done-deal. I also know of
couples who have followed a much more prescribed journey from friendship,
through pre-engagement (courtship) and then marriage. They all have gorgeous
marriages.
I also know of couples
at every point on the spectrum in between the three outlined above.
Why do parents buy
into courtship so dogmatically? Is it they are worried that someone will take
advantage of their daughter’s innocence and ‘de-flower’ her?
Is it fear of our
children making a poor choice in life partner and then rueing the day they were
married? Is it because their own marriage is not what it could have been
because of their own pre-marital journey? At the base of all these ‘worries’ is
fear. Nothing ever done out of fear is going to bring good, lasting fruit.
I don’t think we can
control who our children fall in love with, because emotions are fickle
creatures, but we can be training, guiding, and counselling them years before
we even have to worry about them finding a life partner. If we point them to
the infallibility of God’s Word, instruct them on what it says regarding
marriage partners (just read Proverbs!), and live our marriage out in front of
them, we have already sown the seeds of wisdom. If we warn our teenagers of the
power of their emotions to overrule their brains, then we arm them with
strategies to guard their hearts during this potentially turbulent time.
Something else about
what I see happening in some families that are proponents of courtship, is that
adult children are stripped of their majority as adults. Do we really believe
that our daughters should stay at home until their late 20’s, early 30’s just
waiting? Will they blithely continue obeying us in all our directives
concerning their relationships? Should they?
I know some families
have different convictions regarding this, and that is between them and God,
and some children (sons and daughters) want to stay at home until they leave to
be married, and again, that is between them and God. However, it could be a
wasted opportunity to be able to use their youth to actively serve God, learn
skills, get training or uncover a vocation. What if one of our children never
marries? They will need to be able to support themselves and earn a living at
some stage.
Do we somehow fear our
children’s independence from us? The loss of help in the home? Them being under
someone else’s control? Again, I don’t know. This issue, like any about
parenting and how we choose to raise our children, hits at the very core of who
we are as parents and always ends up pitting one party against another.
What is my point?
I think the only
‘safe’ route to selecting a life partner is a 3-stranded cord of parents,
children, and God. If we as parents are keeping our relationship real and open
with our children and God, we will trust His leading and our children will
listen to our advice. If our children keep their relationship with us and God
real and open then they will come to us and God and follow His leading and
listen to our advice. God is….well, God. He is always there leading and guiding
if we will but hear/see and follow.
All of our
relationships are governed by a different operating dynamic. Some children are
working (in the home or out) and still living at home; some children are away
from home studying, or have left home and are completely independent. None of
our families are the same, or work the same. I think we need lashings of
empathy and charity to be able to let each family do ‘it’ their own way. It is
when things ‘have’ to be done a certain way that dogma and legalism can
override Biblical instruction and principle. We, as parents, are the ones
responsible before God to divine that truth and apply it correctly to our own
families.
May we all be
attentive to what He is saying to us for our nearest and dearest.
